writing as daunting
somewhere along the lines writing became extremely daunting again, like an inundating ocean wave, like that one wave as big as a mountain on that one planet in intellerstellar where one hour is equivalent to seven years on earth and the characters almost get drowned out -
i want to write more but the words stop itself.
i don’t want it to stop though.
j says more than striving for every post to be good, i should aim for consistency. i think that is a good idea.
i.
my moods still fluctuate intensely, more than i can handle.
after the holiday last week, i went into my morning commute confident and recharged, journaling, “I can’t wait till I find a job I love - I want to do something creative”.
but two days later, i am not sure again. i don’t feel confident in what i want or my ability to succeed in them again.
hopefully substack will help me find that; writing regularly can help me find that.
ii.
it’s interesting that in our calls, j typically thinks of quotes or book passages whereas i think of movie scenes. it seems that my life is made up of various movie scenes.
i really only discovered going to the movies as an enjoyable hobby in the past few years - the comfy clothes and bringing in food.
and more recently, in getting over a stupid crush, i discovered going to the movies alone. now i usually take a burger, or even some gelato, and then just strap myself in for a good ride (cry).
it’s ironic we joked about how cathartic it would be, and then i pretty much just never talked to him again.
iii.
how much of falling in love is ever the reality of the person, as opposed to just the idea of him/her?
that’s why i don’t like saying falling in love, because it implies that it’s not real. real love develops over time, when you really get to know a person and see them day-in, day-out, in their not-best moments.
that’s what i want. i haven’t gotten there with many people in my life though - probably just my dog, my family.
iv.
i’m finally beginning to notice that i’m making changes for this new year. 2025 occurred without much warning - it just slipped and sled.
i was watching fireworks one second, then the next i was back at work. maybe it is because i work full-time this year that time just passes by so quickly. i’m back at my desk so soon that none of what i do in my free time matters anyways, so i dissociate.
that can change eventually. i will do meaningful work as part of my real job, eventually.
v.
and so, i can find back my spark again.
i can find bits of me and my magic again.
i love waves, but may they carry me instead of scare me. may they propel me, heave me up, instead of drown me, pull me under.
i get pulled under easily, and i lose my breath.
i just need to remember to breathe. i was a dolphin, after all, in my past life. i can make it through this wave. i can come up again.
so good!